a heavy heart.

I have something to say, but don’t know how to say it. I don’t know how/where to start.

I wish I could just blog it, but then there are some things you just can’t and shouldn’t say out loud. (I know you can make your blogs “private”, but thats not what I mean)

I just wanna say it. I just wanna scream it out loud, but what if the response you get isn’t what you wanted/expected?

Then what do you do? Then what happens? Would it have been worth it?

My heart is heavy. So heavy that it hurts.

God is telling me to just say it, but I’m scared.
I trust Him, but I don’t trust myself……

Some of my favorite quotes…

“There is no formula to relationships. They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.” – Tuesdays with Morrie

“In the beginning of life, when we were infants, we need others to survive, right? And at the end of life, when you get like me, you need others to survive, right? But here’s the secret: in between, we need others as well.” – Tuesdays w/Morrie

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.” -Grey’s Anatomy

“I’ve had to say good-bye more times than I may have like, but everyone can say that. And no matter how many times we have to do it – even if it’s for the greater good, it still stings. And although we will never forget what we’ve given up, we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward. What we can’t do is live our lives afraid of the next good-bye because chances are they are not going to stop. The trick is to recognize when a good-bye can be a good thing – when it’s a chance to start again.” – Ugly Betty

“Okay, here it is, your choice… it’s simple, her or me, and I’m sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me.” – Grey’s Anatomy

“Cristina, I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won’t. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. I’m a heart man. Take ‘em apart, put ‘em back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you… me.” – Grey’s Anatomy

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010.

I have to admit, by far…2009 was one of the saddest and worst year.
I can honestly say there were more sad, hurtful moments than happy ones.
Don’t get me wrong though, I’ve had some amazing moments this past year.
All my memories, whether good or bad, were a blessings to me.

2009 was also the year I learned the most.
I learned so much about myself, what I want in life, what I don’t need in my life, what I deserve, what I need to change/work on, what’s important, and whats not.

This past year, I turned into someone that I wasn’t. I tried to be someone thinking it would please them, but it only made me unhappy.

Through all my pain and misery, one thing remained the same: God’s crazy love for me…for all of us. God never left my side. No matter how much I pushed Him away, He stayed, waiting patiently for me to turn to Him.

Now that 2010 is here, I’m ready!
I’m ready for the battles. I’m ready for the happy moments. I’m ready to take some chances. I’m ready to let my heart be vulnerable.

Bring it on…..I’M READY!!!

“One thing I know that I have found

Through all the troubles that surround

You are the Rock that never fails, You never fail

One thing I know that I believe

Through every blessing I receive

You are the only One that stays, You always stay

You never change, You’re still the same

You are the Everlasting God

You will remain after the day is gone and the things of earth have passed

Everlasting God”

impeccable timing.

I’ve been in denial for the past few months.
I kept telling myself that things will change and everything will go back to way things were.
I was living in the past. I was hoping for the past.

But recently, God opened my eyes.
With all the drama and heartaches, God came to my rescue and showed me what I really needed to see.

I really believe that everything happens for a reason.

I got the closure that I needed.
I’m free! I can breathe again. The weight is off my shoulders and I feel at ease.

I’m moving forward and not looking back.
And this time…I MEAN IT.

Your grace is enough. You are more than enough. <3

Weakness.

It takes a lot for me to be angry at something or someone.

My problem is…I dont say whats bothering me. I always let the other person win. And when I try to speak my mind, somehow it gets turned around.
Everything I’ve held back is starting to overload. There are times when I just wanna explode!

I feel like I cant breathe.

I have so much to say, but dont know how to put it into words.
When I think I’m strong enough, I become weak again.

Everyone says to hold on to hope, but hope is what makes me weak. It’s what makes me crumble…makes me fall into the cracks.

I know that God’s love never fails. That I know. Its what keeps me from falling apart completely. I thank You for that.

Fearless – Colbie Caillat

“If that’s the way you love
You’ve got to learn so much
If that’s the way you say goodbye

And this is how it ends
And I’m alright with it
Never going to see me cry
Cause I’ve cried

So go on, go on and break my heart
I’ll be okay
There’s nothing you can do to me
That’s ever going to burn me

So go on, go on and leave my love
Out on the street
I’m fearless
Better believe I’m fearless, fearless.

If this is how it hurts
It couldn’t get much worse
If this is how it feels to fall

Then that’s the way it is
We live with what we miss
We learn to build another wall
Till it falls

If it’s between love and losing
To never have known the feeling
And I’m still sad we’ve loved

And if I end up lonely
At least I will be there knowing
I believe in love.”

—-I think this song is beautiful. Love love love Colbie Caillat’s new album Breakthrough.——

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” -Lance Armstrong

I <3 my family.

God really is amazing!

No family is perfect. We all have our issues. We’re all dysfunctional in our own ways.
No matter how much drama there is; no matter how many tears we shed; no matter how much pain we may cause one another…there is LOVE.
Love takes over and brings joy, happiness, smiles, laughter, and some pretty awesome memories.

It really is a blessing to have all my cousins live so close to me. There are times we take it for granted, but God always shows us in the smallest ways how blessed we are.

At peace…

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 6 & 7

 

Thank you Lord.

“I need to know that it’s possible that two people can stay happy together forever.”

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.” -Juno

I wonder…will there really be someone that will love YOU for YOU?!?
We’re all imperfect. We all have our flaws.
People make lists of what they want in someone, but are people willing to compromise?
What if, that person has ALMOST everything on your “list”, but not 100%…would you still stay with that person? Compromise?
Or will you think that you deserve someone “better”…someone more “perfect”?

I stopped believing in the “perfect” man. There is no such thing. There is no prince charming or whatever. But I believe that whoever God brings into my life, he will be perfect in my eyes. Because we are all made in the image of God, and God is perfect.

Never change who you are for a guy/girl…because to God..YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
Never think less of yourself!

There is only one true love that no one should ever forget: God’s love.  <3

So…decided to start a blog. We’ll see how this goes.

For the past couple days, God has really been speaking to me and its quite overwhelming. I don’t know how to describe it, but at times, through out the day, my legs feel weak. I hear Him, and I just wanna fall to my knees sometimes.

When I woke up yesterday, all I heard in my head was “shaken but not abandoned”. All day thats all I heard. It was driving me crazy. I realized it was Pastor Sam’s sermon that God wanted me to listen to again. So I did…and yet again…I was blown away. No matter what we’re facing, God NEVER abandons us. No matter how much we turn away from Him, no matter how many times we fail Him, no matter how far we fall…He’s RIGHT THERE to catch us. There are times when we think, “oh I can do it by myself. I have everything. I have nothing. I have ____”. But we all need a shepherd people! He is our shepherd. He leads us to green pastures and brings us back when we stray.

Lord, I need You. You’re all I need. Your love NEVER fails.